AGAINST ALL ODDS

HANNAH #1

Baltimore, 05/06

Romi,

I miss you more than words can say. My arms feel empty without you in them. I dream of hearing you cry at night even if I never heard you cry.

I’m not sure why i’m starting this journal. The therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to talk to you.

To tell you about my life as I try to go on without you, my baby girl.

Your grandad has been taking care of me since your daddy left. He’s been the best.

He was always the best. I so wish you’d been able to meet him, to grow up with him. There are so many first that you will not have. And that I won’t either.

Your first sound. Your first crawl. Your first step. Your first day at school. Your first love.

Life’s unfair. I’ve always known it. I’ve told so many people about the death of their love ones. That’s part of my job as a surgeon.

I can’t save everyone no matter how hard I try. But losing you is harder than anything I’ve ever faced.

I just don’t know how to go on. Maybe work will help. Being focused on saving lives even if I couldn’t save yours. No one could. My brain knows that but my heart, my heart refuses to acknowledge it.

I love you forever.
Mommy xx

RAFAEL #1

Coronado, 05/20

Connor,

I drove down to Coronado from LA today.

Needed to feel the sand under my feet; That sand where it all started and we gave our all.

Man, I can’t believe it’s been ten years to the day we lost you. Fucking grenade. Giving your life for ours.

There’s not a day that go by where I’d happily give mine for you so that you could see your kid grow. 

It’s weird but I can still hear your big laugh, see your shape in the dark when you walked in front of me, know when you were about to turn left just by the way your shoulder dipped.

You live in my head rent-free brother. I dream about you. I did again last night. Actually it wasn’t a dream, more a nightmare. Woke my mother up.

Yeah you’d roast me to death for still living with her at thirty-five. Damn I can hear the words you’d say like you were here man. You’d tease me that I’m still single too.

Unlike you, I never found the one. Not sure I want to. Transition has been harder than I thought. I don’t want put that hell on a woman.

It’s time to drive back.

Make everyone laugh up there brother. They’re lucky to have you.

R.

PS: I’m writing to you because the therapist said I had to write about my feelings.

HANNAH #2

Baltimore, 05/25

Romi,

If I thought work was going to save me from thinking of you 24/7, I was sorely mistaken.

Twice in three days now I have stopped doing whatever I was doing during surgery, my thoughts taking me back to you. My patients were fine but it’s so unprofessional and unlike me.

I’ve thought of quitting today. Doing something completely different. But I just don’t know what else to do. Surgery is my life. What I’ve always wanted to do.

My favourite nurse suggested that maybe I should go and work somewhere for a while, that this hospital where I work and where you were born bears too many memories.

I’m starting to think she may be right but when I told you grandfather tonight, I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He thinks it’s too soon. That I need to give myself some time. I know he means well but for the first time in forever, I don’t think he’s right.

It’s late and I need to get out of my car and into the house where everything reminds me of you. Why did I have to lose you?

Love you baby girl,
Mommy xx

RAFAEL #2

LA, 05/28

Connor,

I’m not sure writing letters to you works for me but now that I’ve started I’ll keep doing it for a while. Maybe it’ll become muscle memory after doing it for long enough. Maybe I’ll find peace at last. One can hope.

I’ve been looking at doing something other than contracting. You’re going to laugh wherever you are when I tell you that I want to buy a ranch. No cows, just horses. I like them, horses.

Weird for a kid from East LA who didn’t grow up around them. But this kid, this Marine, that was with us for a while on my last deployment.

He loved them and missed them and talked my ear off about them. He reminded me of you and your dogs. He didn’t make it back either but I found solace in those horses after I came home.

You found solace where you can. Believe me getting out of the military is no joke. Lost a few good men, too many, from that too.

Anyways, I found this ranch on the way back from San Diego to LA and volunteer to help. Fell in love with the horses. I’m always happier and calmer when I’ve spent time around them. I believe they can help us heal.

My idea—please don’t laugh— is to offer equine therapy to Veterans. It’s a long way off. The places I’ve looked are expansive, even in places like Wyoming.

You used to tell me I was a dreamer. And maybe I am. But I need this to keep me going, you know?

Got to go Connor but say hi to the others for me up there, okay?

Until next time brother,
R.

PS : Remember that night in Coronado? You were getting married the next day and we got so drunk. Good times.