HANNAH #1
Baltimore, 05/06/2026
Romi,
I miss you more than words can say. My arms feel empty without you in them. I dream of hearing you cry at night even if I never heard you cry.
I’m not sure why i’m starting this journal. The therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to talk to you.
To tell you about my life as I try to go on without you, my baby girl.
Your grandad has been taking care of me since your daddy left. He’s been the best.
He was always the best. I so wish you’d been able to meet him, to grow up with him. There are so many first that you will not have. And that I won’t either.
Your first sound. Your first crawl. Your first step. Your first day at school. Your first love.
Life’s unfair. I’ve always known it. I’ve told so many people about the death of their love ones. That’s part of my job as a surgeon.
I can’t save everyone no matter how hard I try. But losing you is harder than anything I’ve ever faced.
I just don’t know how to go on. Maybe work will help. Being focused on saving lives even if I couldn’t save yours. No one could. My brain knows that but my heart, my heart refuses to acknowledge it.
I love you forever.
Mommy xx
RAFAEL #1
Coronado, 05/20/2026
Connor,
I drove down to Coronado from LA today.
Needed to feel the sand under my feet; That sand where it all started and we gave our all.
Man, I can’t believe it’s been ten years to the day we lost you. Fucking grenade. Giving your life for ours.
There’s not a day that go by where I’d happily give mine for you so that you could see your kid grow.
It’s weird but I can still hear your big laugh, see your shape in the dark when you walked in front of me, know when you were about to turn left just by the way your shoulder dipped.
You live in my head rent-free brother. I dream about you. I did again last night. Actually it wasn’t a dream, more a nightmare. Woke my mother up.
Yeah you’d roast me to death for still living with her at thirty-five. Damn I can hear the words you’d say like you were here man. You’d tease me that I’m still single too.
Unlike you, I never found the one. Not sure I want to. Transition has been harder than I thought. I don’t want put that hell on a woman.
It’s time to drive back.
Make everyone laugh up there brother. They’re lucky to have you.
R.
PS: I’m writing to you because the therapist said I had to write about my feelings.
