I stop at a red light on Sunset Boulevard and look up at the huge poster taking the side of a building on the other side of the road. On it, three actors seem to be scrutinizing the drivers below, while the title of the film is spread in huge letters below their stares. Their names are just below and a little further down that poster my name is there too.

“Daddy, is that your film?” one of my sons asked while looking at me in the rearview mirror.

“It is.”

I sigh.

It’s my film all right.

The second installment of a franchise I fought to bring to the screen five years ago, after buying the rights to the book series from the publishing company. The books have been a huge publishing success but many thought they could never be turned into movies, that readers wouldn’t follow, that it would be a financial disaster.

It took time and determination to convince other producers to join me. It sure wasn’t easy, even when you are as successful a producer as I was. People see the glamor of Hollywood, the success stories coming out of nowhere—or so it seems. They don’t see the sweat, blood and tears it takes to bring a project to fruition.

Call it instinct or intuition but I knew straight away this franchise could be big. And I was proved right. Again.

Which is why everybody wants to ride on my coattails these days.

So yes, I should be happy, proud even.

The premiere of this second installment is tomorrow night at the Chinese Theatre, the mecca for movies in Los Angeles, the place where the Oscars take place every year.

It’s a huge deal to have a movie opening there. There will be people, stars and not just from the movies, the production team, the film executives and other producers. And that will only be the beginning for the actors, the director and the marketing team, who are about to go on a world tour to promote the movie across the world.

And yet, I can’t find it in myself to be excited. The idea alone of playing up the role of the happy producer in front of the cameras, to smile at all these people who want to speak to me, to shake my hand, makes me want to run for the hills. I hate all these premieres and parties with all these people who try to get something out of me.

Thank God I’m not one of the actors. I sincerely feel for these guys. I have no idea how you can bear to be adulated like that.

My about to be ex-wife, Shauna, doesn’t understand my attitude. To her adulation is the name of the game. What we’re all aiming for in Hollywood. I can almost hear her berating me for my lack of enthusiasm like she did at the last premier we attended together.

“I don’t get it. You’re so lucky, Nate! You’re one of the most successful producers in Hollywood and you keep complaining about having to attend a premiere for the promotion of your film!” she’d said, shaking her head at me as I was getting dressed for work. “If anything, think about the money you’re making!”

Money and fame.

These are the only two things Shauna is interested in.

I rub my hand down my face just as the light turns green. I release the brake and press gently on the accelerator.

The twins are talking to each other in the back seat, giggling like only kids do.

My heart soars like it always does when I look at them.

They are what I’m most proud of. The only thing that matters.

My fame and fortune could disappear tomorrow and I know I’d be fine. But living without them is the one thing I can’t do. They are my heart and my soul. The reason why I get up every day even after…

I push the thought away.

I can’t think about her. If I do, I know it’s the beginning of a spiral that I always find difficult to get out of. And it’s been getting worse lately.

I know why. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the last day I saw her so not thinking about her is impossible.

Lou.

Tomorrow will mark fourteen years without her. Without knowing where she is. Not knowing what happened to her to disappear without a trace. Fourteen years of dreaming of what could’ve been.

My heart squeezes painfully in my chest. I have to stop. Now before the pain overwhelms me.

A voice on the radio pulls me out of my grim thoughts.

I know that voice. She only said hello and how are you to the host but I would know that voice everywhere. A light French accent and that smokiness.

My heart lurches in my chest. My hands grip the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turn white.

It can’t be.

Not after all this time. I must be hallucinating.

I look at the dashboard like it’ll give me the answer I’m looking for but it isn’t quite what I expect.  So I turn up the volume a little.

“You’re on Radio 101 LA and I’m Logan Carter. Today I chat with E.V. Isabella about her debut novel. I do say E and V, not the first name Evie. It’s a novel that created quite a stir when it was released in France earlier this year and has made its author one to watch in the world of publishing…”

The noise level increases in the back seat of my car and I can’t hear what Logan Carter said next.

“Boys,” I say, using my big voice while trying not to burst out laughing when I look in the rearview mirror where Ryan and Ethan, my three-year-old twins, are making faces at each other.

The laughter and squeals don’t fully stop but are less strident for a while.

Still the noise the boys create and the traffic around us make it difficult for me to hear. I turn the sound up and once again asked the twins to lower their voice but I can barely hear the woman’s voice.

There’s no doubt in my mind that I know that voice. It said things to me, intimate things a long time ago, that I’ve never forgotten.

It’s her. It has to be her.

I look at the time; the show is almost finished. I slam my hand against the steering wheel in frustration.

“You okay Daddy?” Ryan asks, his eyes wide.

I rarely get frustrated in front of them but a quick look in the mirror tells me that frustration is etched all over my face. I have lines across my forehead and my mouth is pinched almost painfully. I make a sign that everything is all right and force myself to smile. It comes out more as a grimace but the boys don’t seem to notice.

I need to get home to listen to that show again.

But if I’m right, Lou is alive. She’s alive and somewhere in the world.

I can find her again. I will find her again.